Overwhelm October 9, 2010

Christ’s love for me is overwhelming.  No matter how guilty, dirty, wrong, or lost I am, He longs for me more than any human has, could, or ever will.  He calls me to show that tremendous love for His children every day.  No matter how guilty, dirty, wrong, or lost I think they are, I still have to show them Christ’s awesome love and grace and mercy.  Every day I find myself struggling to do this.  It’s hard to love someone unconditionally when they make fun of your convictions.  It’s hard to love someone unconditionally when they cuss like sailors and talk about filth.  It’s hard to love someone unconditionally when there is no one else in the room that would back you up.  I think about the difficulties I have in this area and am quickly reminded by Abba Father that I make it hard for Christ to love me, and that if He can love me through all my grime, I could certainly dismount my high horse and love with a passion.  My savior loves me even after I go back on my word.  He loves me when my mind slips and thoughts creep in that should have no place in my being.  He loves me when I focus on the human loneliness I feel instead of His great embrace of my heart.  He loves me.  He loves me more than any other creature He ever made!  The genius and brilliance of nature, to Him, pales in comparison to me.  He finds me beautiful and lovely and breathtaking.  He wants nothing more than my all, and now that I’ve dug deeper than the earth’s core, I am ready to give Him His belongings back.  And nothing in this dazzling universe will ever bring me more pleasure than the reunion I have every morning, noon, and night with my Creator.  I feel as though I do not have enough in me to give Him.  There is not enough room in my heart for all the passion and praise and love and simple awe that I have for Him.  My God, my Lord, my Savior!  I love Him and thank Him for His forgiveness; His unfailing forgiveness.

 

Now that I’ve gotten 1/100000 of what I feel about my God out, it’s on to a much less important topic. I want to share the top 10 things I’ve learned about life in the past month and a half of school, work, and church.

1.  God will answer your prayer always and it’s always in the coolest of ways.

2.  No matter how old you are or how much you’ve seen in life, someone or something will always out-do what you thought was the top.

3.  Silence is not golden.  It’s platinum.

4.  Music is tied to so many things in my life that not a song in the world could play without having some sort of emotional effect on me.

5.  Encouragement is so refreshing and invigorating.

6.  My surroundings play a bigger role in my emotions than I previously thought.

7.  Working out and eating right effects my spiritual life.

8.  Getting over someone cannot be done by my own strength.

9.  Loving someone is more rewarding than being loved.

10.  God’s will for my life is not scary, but rather safe.

 

My mind has never been so stimulated in all my life.  I am learning things about my future profession, my life, relationships, and the ways of a broken world.  My heart has never been so burdened in all my life.  To see the emptiness in the eyes of my acquaintances is a dagger in my side.  I am stricken with physical pain daily because I just want to hold these girls and save them.  I want them to realize what peace and joy and love awaits them.  The weight of their salvation is so heavy I can barely breathe. I ache to scream at the top of my lungs that there is something so perfect and beautiful desiring them more than anyone could ever describe.

Old and New June 7, 2010

If old Molly possessed the body I am in right now she would sit and grow an ugly mess of anger and jealousy after what she learned today.  She would repeat over and over, the many reasons she should be with him and not her.  She would boil over and scream in her brain.  She would rant and rave about how it is unfair that there is a person so perfect looking for love and she has more than enough to give.  She would sit in misery, eating who knows what, for who knows why, and she would shut down.  She would not look at him ever again and she would alienate herself from everyone.

Old Molly doesn’t exist anymore though.  New Molly knows that time kinda heals all wounds and Christ heals all else.  New Molly might be a little bruised and disappointed, but she knows that there is something else happening.  She knows that she needs to focus on her health, her school, her spiritual life, her heart, her future.  She knows that anything could happen.  She knows that love is not found in humans alone.  She knows that while it would be nice to be held by a human love, being held by her Abba Father is ultimate bliss.  She knows that she should refocus her frustrations and disappointments into a productive and healthy activity.  She knows she should workout instead of eat, read her Bible instead of sulk, and continue on in relationships as usual and be content with the blessing of his friendship.

She has grown up.

I am an adult dammit. May 25, 2010

frustration is no where near accurate.  frustration is what the rest of the world would call an understatement. To say that i’m annoyed might begin to touch on the feeling, but it still doesn’t come close to the truth.  Pissed, livid, angry, miserable are more of the feeling im going for right now.  are you getting it?   good.

a few weeks ago, my Dad asked me where his sweet Molly went.  through the tears that blurred my vision and drowned my skin,  i looked at him and let it out.  sweet Molly never got what she wanted.  sweet Molly got nowhere in life.  sweet Molly was a doormat.  sweet Molly didn’t know how to stand up for herself.  she disappeared a long time ago.  she comes out every so often under the perfect conditions.  she keeps to herself much of the time and is paranoid of relationships be it friendly or more.   she is very cautious on where she goes and even who she looks at.   she lives in a dreamland, waiting for her hard work to pay off.  she is not afraid, however, to open her mouth and defend herself.

i am in no way perfect but i know when i make mistakes and i reconcile them.  but don’t accuse me of something i didn’t do.

i may have taken a little longer than others to decide what i wanted to do with my life, but when i figure it out i want to go after it, so quit throwing obstacles in front of me because you want something FOR me.

i am twenty one years old dammit.   i am an adult.  i make my own decisions.  i decide what i want to do, where i want to go, when i want to go, and why i want to go.

Lonely May 23, 2010

It seems as though my life has become a silent film.  It is hard for me to speak.  It is hard for me to communicate.  This strange phenomenon has just started showing itself in the past few months.  I find it next to impossible to connect with anyone on a personal or impersonal level.  I cannot relate to anyone.  I have not a friend in the world.

Want. January 18, 2010

Predestined would seem pretty accurate if you see what I see.  If you could just borrow my eyes for a fraction of a moment, you would understand my thoughts, my frustrations, my wants.  The trouble is this, you cannot borrow my eyes.  You cannot see the glaring similarities, the perfect characteristics that should push two objects together.   You cannot see it.   I suppose I am alone.  No one sees the obtuse truths pouring out of every inch of the two beings.  Could I be wrong?  Did I hear him wrong?  I suppose that anything is quite possible.  Why is it so strong?  He must have a gravity.  He must have a force.  The source of it though, I still cannot pinpoint.  The face is so potent.  He is a drug.  But he is so distant, unreadable, foreign.  It’s almost as if God is taunting every woman this man comes into contact with.   It’s almost as if God is taunting ME.  How could one person fit every mold I have set aside?  How could one person meet every standard I ever set?  How could one person be so perfect physically, mentally, spiritually, musically and be out of my reach?  Am I over analyzing?  Yes.   I shall just wait.  Father Time?  Please spare my heart.

He is. January 11, 2010

Man was not meant to be alone.  Nor was Woman.  Realization of this was easy.  Acceptance was significantly less.  But it has been accepted.  My heart is so tender, so open, more than ever before.  The love of my Christ Jesus has overwhelmed me.  His relentless love pierced my granite soul.  He has shown me that only He can provide true requited love.  He has shown me that it is perfect. It is true. It is enough. It is more. It is all.  He has also shown me that I am meant to relentlessly love others.  I am meant to share His passion for His creation.  He has shown me that there is someone for me.  There is a need in my heart for a human love and that it is ok.  He has someone for me.  And until I am with that someone, Christ is screaming to me “I am enough! I am all! I am what you need! I have every thing you’ve ever wanted! I have what you don’t even know you want yet! I am! I am!”

To Him. Whoever He May Be. January 9, 2010

In the last week, I’ve realized many flaws in myself. I sincerely pray that you love me beyond those. In the last week, I’ve also been reminded of a love greater than any man of earth could give me. I pray that you are immersed in it as much as I am. I pray that you are pure in heart, pure in spirit, and pure in mind. I pray that you contain as much compassion as a heart could hold and as much wisdom a mind could possess. I pray that you find beauty in all things great and small. I pray that the creation of God Almighty will take your breath away as it does for me. I pray that you dwell in Christ’s favor. I pray that God has blessed you with music. I pray that you find inspiration in music as I do. I pray that you find yourself blessed. I pray that your heart is filled to the brim with passion for God and His will and His word and His kingdom. I pray that a piece of music could move you to tears as it does for me. I pray that your heart stays young. I pray that you have an incredible sense of humor. I pray that you are assertive in your beliefs. I pray that nonsense and silliness abides in you always. I pray that your laugh is infectious. I pray that your smile is brilliant. I pray that you are fiery in heart. I pray that you are adventurous. I pray that you are kind, strong, smart, moral, wise, funny, fair, just, loving, compassionate, grateful, and confident. I pray that you were raised in a Christ-filled home. I pray that you have aspirations. I pray that you are good with children. I pray that you are selfless. I pray that you are driven. I pray that you are a Christian. I pray that you believe all that God says. I pray that you are a spiritual leader. I pray that you are fearless. I pray that you are near. I pray that you are soon. I pray that you are what God has for me. I pray for you. I pray. I only ask one thing in return from you. If you can sing, sing to me, and if you can play a musical instrument, play it for me, and if you can tell me funny stories, tell them to me, and if you can make me laugh, make me cry laughing, and if you can love me beyond all my flaws and insecurities, love me.

Passion 2010 afterthoughts. January 7, 2010

This past week, I was in Atlanta, Georgia, growing in God and savoring the feeling of heeling. It was spectacular!  The only thing I did not enjoy about the week was that I had no way of writing or typing my feelings as I so love to do!  Fortunately, God blessed me with a fantastic memory haha!  So here they are.  Here are all of my thoughts, both profound and shallow.  They are in chronological order so they start with the road trip to Mobile, Alabama where we stopped for a night and then continue one.  They are observations of the soul, mind, heart, body, and everything outside of myself.

1.  Sleeping in a van when you are fat is little to no fun.

2. I have yet to find a more beautiful sight to see than woods at twilight.

3. My anxiety for what is to come from the weak is breath taking.

4. Cracker Barrel’s breakfast is extremely sub-par.

5. Who I ate with was not.

6. I have forgotten what a simple smile can do to one’s heart.

7. I cried when Passion 2010 started because I knew that Christ was intending on breaking me for the better. And I wanted it.

8. How could I have been so blind the past 5 years?

9. It is hard for a musically inclined person to focus on the actual goal of worship sometimes.

10. I realized that when my mind is loaded to the brim with knowledge daily, it is hard for me to remember to do the unimportant/necessary stuff like eating.

11. My eating habits and health are directly related to my spiritual habits.

12. I have much to process over the next few weeks.

13. David Crowder’s music is such an obvious God-breathed inspiration!

14. God has called me back to music, and that to lead worship one day would be totally fulfilling.

15. My mind hurts.

16. I switched vans for 2 reasons but I only mentioned one.  haha

17. Sleeping pills only make you fall asleep. They don’t keep you asleep.

18. I’d rather look at things and people than sleep.

19. It’s never fun to be scared awake by a guy yelling at you to move your arms while he’s calling you Austin Self. hahaha

20. Cold isn’t too bad.  Cold without someone special to keep you warm is though.

21. I’m going to assume the most likely thing in certain situations so that when it turns out to be right, I’m not disappointed, and when it turns out to be wrong, I’m totally happy.

22. I miss music more than relationships.

There you have it.

On another note, I gained 1 pound over the weekend.  It was probably from the lack of healthy foods.  But I lost a few inches off my body! so that’s good.  After tonight though, I will not weigh or measure myself until January 23.  I don’t want to become obsessive about it and I want to be surprised every month.  Much love

Molly Mahana

liar or actor? January 1, 2010

Am I a liar or an actress?  When I conceal my true feelings am I lying or acting?  When my heart is screaming for a love and I deny it by my life am I lying or acting?  When I exude confidence but the confidence settles on top of my skin am I lying or acting?  I can’t help but feel like a liar.  If it’s not denying a want for love or lust, it’s building a wall around my wants to hide them from the object of lust. I block myself from achieving the desired result before I even try.  Can you say sabotage?  I certainly can

Every sense in me pins a reminder of loneliness to my heart.  The deepest scent should trigger want and desire, but nothing but pillows awaits my heart.  The slightest caress urges my heart to find the nearest embrace.  Sight is no aid, for seeing love without attaining it is taunting too terrible for the fiercest of fighters.  The sound of a sigh is the scream of death.  My filthy loneliness seems so long and unending, the hope that I have is completely irrational.

If he has as much sense as I, then my affections are wasted.

Transparent. December 23, 2009

I know that it has been quite some time since I’ve spoken about my weight.  I apologize.  To myself mainly. I haven’t been completely honest with myself. I found myself justifying the things I did because it was “only a little dessert,” or “just one more serving won’t hurt,” or “I haven’t eaten all day so I need to load up now.”   None of those things were healthy or right.  So let’s start over yes?  From now on I am going to be completely transparent.  I am going to put my weight up every time I weigh myself and I am going to put up my measurements every time I measure myself. I will start putting pictures up of my progress.  I am going to share every last detail of this journey.  I want others who have the same problem to find inspiration from me.  I want those who don’t share this struggle to catch a glimpse of this horror.

On December 15, 2009, my sister-in-law and I were talking about how far we’ve let ourselves go.  We didn’t want to be fat all the time.  She didn’t want to be “The fat teacher” and I didn’t want to be “The fat hairstylist.”  So we started talking about what it was like when we were thinner.  And then we started talking about what we would look forward to when we lose all our weight.  Then we realized that we didn’t have to dream, we could have.  Right then and there we decided to be accountability partners.  We made a pact to lose at least 50 pounds by May 15.  That equals around 8.4 pounds a month.  TOTALLY DO-ABLE.  May holds important dates for us.  She has a wedding to sing at and I will be graduating my Associate of Arts program.  Now, she will not be sharing her information as freely which is fine.  She is not as overweight as I am.  She only has 50 pounds to lose to be at her healthy weight.  I have 100.

I encourage you to read this blog.  It will be like having MANY accountability partners rather than just 1. I encourage you to direct others struggling with weight loss to read my blog so they feel less alone.  I am excited, nervous, and quite frankly I am about to be completely embarrassed.  I’ve decided to take my measurements once a month on the 23 of each month simply because today is the 23 and I took my measurements today.  I will not take measurements between.  I want to be surprised each month.  So without further ado, here are my measurements for December 23, 2009:

• ARMS:  R:  14″        L:  13.75″
• BUST:   48.5″
• WAIST:   44″
• GUT:   48.75″
• HIPS:   53.75″
• BUTT:   52″
• THIGHS:   R:  29.75″          L:   30.75
• CALVES:   R:  14.75″          L:   14.5″
• WEIGHT:   254lbs
• BMI:   37.6 (obese)